Back from the dead. January 7, 2008

Its been a very long couple of months. I have really found alot of parts of my sober self that I really like, and after almost two years I’m settling down in my house and accepting this city for the things it has to offer everyone. Christmas was really erie this year because for the first time ever we had children at my house. My two year neice and four year old nephew….they are a handful but adorable of course.

Its funny how amazing and fun children make everything. They aren’t the most loving creatures on earth but they provide hours of entertainment. I love those little tikes and can’t wait to see them again.

I feel refreshed and not ashamed. I spent alot of last year feeling ashamed and confused. I have a nice clear state of mind and don’t feel so shameful about my life and lifestyle choices (clears throat) sobreity has taught me volumes about what I expect from myself on a daily basis. Making the bed everyday, deliscious breakfast cooking, loving my sweet loving man, enjoying time with my parents and laughing out loud. All the time.

Did You Know, DWI… September 28, 2007

Did you know you can get a DWI for smoking weed in your car? In Texas, yes sir you can. Did you know you can get a DWI for walking to your car from a bar? Keys in hand, you have intent to drive your vehicle and you can get popped before you even start your engine. You can also be arrested for being in your car intoxicated, even if your keys aren’t inthe ignition. There is an OPEN container law in Texas, which means it is absolutely against the law to carry a flask in a car or open bottles of any kind.

I hate the police for numerous reasons, namely because they’re not around when you need them and in general they are a bunch of rascist, power hungry pricks. And when you start talking about police in Plano, well these assholes are NO HEROS.

There was a add in the classifieds on craigslist for cops in Plano. The starting pay is $66,000 a year. Are you kidding? For handing out hundreds of parking and traffic tickets? Come on. And every single cop I’ve EVER seen in Plano is white. Is it physically impossible for the Plano Police Department to hire minorities? Oh god I hate the cops, more later, I have to go to work…

VIP (eh…its not what you think) September 21, 2007

Yesterday I ate concrete..hard. I haven’t tied my shoes in a year and yesterday as I fell to the ground in slow motion, I felt like a five year old. My right foot got stuck in the loop of my of my left shoe as I walked into my garage, and I bit  it. I landed on my hands and knees and my arm slipped out from underneath me and I hit my chin on the floor of the garage. I skinned both of my knees pretty bad and it hurt. It was bleeding and white in the middle but I had to suck it up so I could go to this Victim Impact Panel I took off work for. I put a really dorky huge band aid on it and headed to McKinney.

Ahh. I hate to admitm that I really had this super shitty attitude going into this panel, but really it wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. The VIP is a program through MADD that educates persons with DWIs about why they don’t want to Drink and Drive anymore. I don’t plan on ever taking another drink of alcohol, due mainly to my DWI arrest, but there are alot of people out there that don’t see a DWI as an extremely severe situation.

There were 175 people there. Can you believe that? Too many first of all, secondly, they were predominately white, and over the age of 40. I honestly had no idea there would be that many people there. They had three speakers, two older men who had both lost their daughters to drunk drivers. Both of the people that killed their daughters had blood alcohol contents 3 times the legal limit. I was .14 when I was arrested, and I was HIGHLY intoxicated, so .23 is completely unfathomable to me. Yeah, listening to their pain does make it real, and it no one should have to experience a tragedy like this…horrible yes, but the last speaker was the most…I identified with him the most.

His story was a long and brutal battle with alcohol addiction. He said he thought it started with his very first sip of beer when he was 15, he knew right away he loved it. He was arrested in high school for passing out on the dance floor of a country club, and by the time he entered college on a football scholarship he was a full blown alcoholic. When he was a junior in college his sister was killed in a drunk driving accident. That was 1975. He was even wasted when he got the call at 3 in the morning.  He lost two wives and four children because of his drinking, and countless jobs. He tried rehab in the early 90’s and said it almost worked, except the same night he got out of rehab he drank 2 pints of whiskey and 10 double jack and waters, which resulted in him totaling his wifes car. He had four more stints in rehab, but he became a felon when he drove his car carrying two female coworkers in a utility pole. Both women had to be careflighted and he faced 14 years in prison. He only spent a year in prison, but when he got out he failed UAs with his PO and was sent ONE LAST TIME to rehab at La Hacienda Ranch. He found sobriety there. He described his moment of clarity as someone someone shooting him with a silver bullet and that all at once, he felt all the pain that he had caused all those years.

I have myself felt alot of guilt since I got my DWI. I’ve never been in touble with the law before and I found the whole thing very scary, expensive and infuriating. Its really awful to let myself think what could have happened, or how things might be today if none of that had happened. I would definitely still be drinking, which never made me feel good, I never would have been able to have, start, or keep all the relationships which I cherish so much. I guess I can say I’m glad it happened. Thats really the first time I have ever thought of it that way…

I never saw all the pain I caused by my drinking, I’m not sure if I ever explored it honestly, I’m not sure if thats relevant anyway, but I am glad I’m living sober and feeling the real, undiluted pain of my skinned knees, aching feet and broken heart.

I’m trying to get tired. September 17, 2007

My throat hurts, my muscles have been twitching all day and I feel like whining, luckily no one is around so I’ll just have to deal some other way. I’m very glad I’ve been forced to find this wonderful thing called sobriety because asurdly if I hadn’t I would be in a dark room, very drunk balling  my sweet baby blues right out of my head. Stupid? Absolutely. The Rolling Stones song, you can’t always get what you want, always comes on the radio at the wrong times, and everytime I hear it I think of this rainy day in Kansas City riding in Tammy’s old white BMW, and her telling me the same damn thing as we listened to that song.

Everything is wrong with feeling self sorrow, its a wasted emotion, like jealousy. I’m so upset tonite, but I’d really like to tivialize  everything thats happened over the past two years, because I’m of the realization that moving forward is the best and only option. I feel like for the past five years I’ve looked for all the same things in all the same places and shockingly enough, its always disillusion that I find. They saying I saw on the ULOCKIT marquee last week, IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU’VE DONE, YOU’LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS GOT. It is a very insightful marquee, and I can think about these sayings for miles. Another trinket they thankfully posted for passerbys, ITS ALL ABOUT MIND OVER MATTER, IF YOU DON’T MIND, IT DOESN’T MATTER. Melanie and I actually had a debate about this one. She felt it was a little blazae, but I think its right on point, if you don’t want to care about something, then don’t. No one is going to make you give two fucking shits about anything and of course that could lead to awful thinking, but its ironic to approach rational thought processes with this little bit of wisdom in mind, also its rather existensialist.

The ULOCKIT marquee changes on both sides every week and can be seen on the corner of Hedgcoxe and Coit. The one thing that inevidatably frustrates me is when they post shit about God. It infuriates me because I feel like its such a lame copout to sleepy and lackluster bedroom community that surrounds me. Raise the bar, Jesus sayings are aiming at the lowest common and easiest denominator….

Lacey Connor! From Dallas? Shocker X 100 million… September 9, 2007

I have had it with television. I’m taking my mentor Professor’s advice and burying my TV in a plastic bag in my back yard until my novel is done. Watching TV is the biggest waste of time ever, I think about how much I used to get done when I only had three channels…those were wonderful evenings.

This girl(not yet a woman) Lacey Connor, the is an amazing example of train wrizzeck. It is so utterly typical that this dumb goth bitch whos shitty attitude and a disgusting drinking problem hail from Dallas. I am so sad that people like this emerge from this concrete jungle. She probably frequented The Church on Sundays. And her cool message tees say she shops the clearence rack at Hot Topic. 

Why in the world would she allow herself to be portrayed as such a blazing idiot? She acts exactly like every ‘hardcore postgoth’ wannabe scenster. She is a complete bitch, an obvious alcoholic and a walking contradiction, is this attractive? Does this further her career? Does she have a manager? Why would were her bandmates let her go on television when she is so obviously out of control?  Does this not also reflect badly on them? And her music? Please check out theirspace, shes the lead singer!! Their band is called, Nocturne…are you serious!? I hate it. Its everything I knew it wouldn’t be and just a little less. Is there really an audience for shitty goth metal? Sick. Who are these people?

Way to represent a city that already has a terrible reputation. I’m glad Lacey and her band moved to LA. Please for the love of Texas stay there. Don’t come back, even for visits.

Don’t hate focus on what’s important…

Let me just put this out there….when a company abuses you and treats you like shit its hard to push it under the old rug. I am trying, but I’d like to say this about The Associates and their upper management…FUCK YOU.

I’ll tell you how the demise of this relationship started-I was called in to the company administrators office for what she later discribed in a “pre-termination” letter(what? to much of a pussy to fire me?) as an organizational meeting at our corporate office in Coppell. I thought I was going to be fired, actually I had hoped I was going to be fired and unfortunately I was wrong. I was going to stick this out until the first of October, but I’m glad today is the last day of hell for me, because I want to work on my tan before the summer sun hides for good for another year.

 I have met this person only once before, but neverless, she starts off her motivational meeting with, “You know you can tell me anything.” I thought, oh okay, this is going to be even more ridiculous than I had anticipated. Then its followed by, “How is your boss doing in their job? How is the office manager doing?” but in much more specific terms, all I thought was, I’m really not going to rat on anyone, I think everyone at this company does a terrible job, but its the nature of the people we work with(realtors being lying, cheating, idiotic, disorganized devils) and I won’t sacrifice my integrity, by looking unintelligent and speaking on matters I know nothing about. I told her I didn’t think I was in a good posistion to be judging other peoples progress or execution of their jobs. I’m a fucking receptionist, I’m so sure.

Talk about LYING because you’re scared of what those lying motherfuckers are going to say about you. Ha. This could not be more true. Just couldn’t. I mean, I heard my boss on the phone one day talking about how I’m in pain all the time, I just thought, are you fucking kidding? I am never in pain, she’s the one that takes pills, but I don’t take take drugs or drink, I’ll hardly ever take aspirin. So she’s projecting, just writing this I’m getting a clearer and clearer picture. And she says all nice to my face and continues to write nasty emails about me to her boss? This coming from someone who has one felony narcotic possesion conviction and one dwi 5 years ago. She is 55!! And she still drinks and abuses drugs. What a hypocrite. I think when I leave, I’ll leave all this negativity in their office also.

Here’s the kicker. She tells me no one wants to come into the office because, I scare them, I’m mean, I have a bad attitude. What are you kidding? I laughed. Please. I just answered the phone, that was the owner of this company. I felt like he was giving me a backhanded compliment, I just want to wish you success in your career and life, and all I said was thank you for the opportunity. He has no reason to wish me success, all anyone has done since I have been here is hold me back. And now they don’t have to pay me for the holiday either. Continue to run your business with gossip and nonsense. I’m sure it will be a constant revolving door of disgruntled employees.

These people are a huge lot of shit stacks eff them all, and I don’t need your luck or good wishes, I’ll survive on my talent, education and skills. Fuck you.

“Sometimes you get so alone, it just makes sense.” August 28, 2007

I Hate My Day Job… August 24, 2007

I know how pointless it is to complain about jobs. Most all of the jobs I’ve ever had have sucked royally. Some much more so than others. I think talking/complaining about work is basically like talking about how you have a headache, nobody gives a shit.

I have had a total of one job I really liked, and it was a seasonal posistion, so that probably explains why. Sitting at a desk for eight hours a day, and getting paid what feels like beans, is almost unbareable. I really feel like a huge baby when I start to say things like I can’t STAND my day job, but let me tell you it is a struggle to get up in the morning do my hair and makeup and come and sit here.

I feel alot of times like I’m in Office Space. My stripmall office solice is never attained. I can’t believe that people live their whole lives, or even multiple years like this. There has to be better ways to make a living. The idiots I work with don’t make this much better.

But I am so happy to say that I have FIANLLY given my two week notice! I’m out scout! Someone else can sit here and do this, and hopefully it will be someone who doesn’t get as frustrated as I do…I have saved up quite a bit of money so I’m still going to wait tables and travel a bit and look for a different job, with a company that doesn’t employ the devil incarnates.

Here’s the main problem with this company, they hire contract workers, which is how they make their money, and these are not educated and intelligent people, these are like the biggest bunch of totally infuriating humans I have ever met. Okay I like about four out of the eighty people who are contracted. Get it? Low class, uneducated, disorganized and lazy, most of these people treat their “job” like a agonizing hobby they can’t stand, and when things get tough, they are more than allowed, they are encouraged by my superiors to take it out on me. Fun stuff, huh?

I tried at first to stick up for myself, then I realized how pointless it was, and how it just ended up bothering me more, because ultimately, these people often lie in the heat of their moments. I gave up! I don’t care. Its not worth ten bucks an hour. I mean these people are straight up crazy. I have to avoid them because of how HUGE of assholes these people are. One punched the secratary that worked here before me, they constantly lie and say they did things obviously not done, they lie about/twist things that happen, I’ve heard drug stories/witnessed contractors wasted. I’ve seen them do and say things I can hardly believe. Or rather, is unbelievable. I feel comprimised just associating with people like this.

Its just weird. I have worked at many different offices but I’ve never met a bigger bunch of craaaaaaazies. I’m supposed to work overtime, double, do favors, and I don’t see a bonus or a raise or any compensation(on an hourly wage!!), and expected to sit here and take it when they fly off the handle? Please… how stupid do I look?

 I’m sure for someone it will be an awesome opportunity, and what its taught me is that I want to have a real skill, like nursing. I have no respect for this company or how they have treated me, or the people they employ, so I am so happy to be leaving.

The Best Cheaters Episodes!! August 20, 2007

The kind of cheaters episodes which are truly enjoyable are the ones which involve physical fighting/shoving/outrageous behaviours/name calling. During these intense moments one is really able to discern wether the high drama is real or scripted. Last night we watched a TIVOd episode about Christina Lopez, the real estate school student who was cheating on her boyfriend of 3 years with a man I’ll refered to only as, Hulk.

The most amazing moment of the segment came however when Hulk threw one of the Cheaters camera guys onto the hood of car. I mean he picked this guy up off the ground and smashed him on the hood of a car. It was AWESOME! I think I rewound it like 5 times to watch, possibly more. Then this little guy comes up out of nowhere and shoves Hulk(both idenities withheld), yelling about his car getting smooshed, and Joey Greco has to mediate!! And as we all know, Joey has a PhD in counseling, so he’s well schooled on how to handle these types of peoples.

If you want to see some truly awesome uncensored footage, look up cheaters on YouTube. They have an awesome collection of confrontations, which are of course, my favorite part of the show anyway. I honestly can’t believe some of the uncensored stuff, but some of the episodes which we had originally concluded were probably fake, are quite obviously real when viewed in the non-censored version. So its fun to watch them in this way…like with a new eye!

Stirring Up Old Dust August 17, 2007

Have you ever stirred up the dust? Ever noticed how it always ends badly? I have this horrible habit, and I am trying to break myself of it. There are a couple of ways I always get caught stirring up dust.

Old relationships/friendships-some things quite obviously are better left unsaid and never spoken of again. I often have the strong urge to find out how someone I haven’t spoken with in some time is doing, especially if they are lurking around my hood. And by lurking I mean living two blocks away. Eh let me explain.

I was in “lurve” with this man I’ll call Spent. We had a really deep connection one amazing summer. For a month. Ha! It all seems so silly in retrospect, but regardless unfortunately he decided to leave, to move to Portland. I was so sad! I thought about him everyday for a year and a half, but we never talked, never emailed, nothing.

Eventually, I was staying with a friend of his while on vacation I was staying with a friend and he told me Spent was moving home! I was excited, stupid me! So after he came home and had been home for like half a year, I couldn’t take it any longer. I kept seeing his band being advertised in the paper and I thought, well eff it, I’ll go and creepily hang out near the back maybe no one will notice me.

My best friend was against this idea. Imagine that, but she proceeded to get wasted with me and follow me down to the club.  I got these incredible butterflies in my stomach. That sick feeling? Thats intuition trying to tell you to that stirring le dust, is a very very bad idea, in other words, it was an overwhelming sense of doom. Just wait this gets better.

So we get to the club. Standing in the door? Spent…no way around it, we said HELLO! Happy to see me, I was focused on him and didn’t notice that my friends had left me. Bastards. Alone and already drunk and drinking more, we ended up going to my house. Which coincidently was literally around the block from his new house. Oh how I despise you irony. Stupid. You know that list of things you wouldn’t do if given a second chance? This is right up there. He didn’t call like ever after that. But again one night as my bff and I drank, we were trying to text him, to get him to come over. Mary says I called/texted him no less than 50 times. Then after passing out in my bed, guess who shows up….thats right…..SPENT! With a bandana tied around his face, in my house, in my bed with me at 3 am, holding me down like some mad man.

I was furious. He denied it. Obviously we couldn’t be friends. It all just sucked for a long time I was upset, because you know, acting in a stupid female way, I expected what we had that summer to transfer to present day. Silly me! Then I spent the rest of my time in that shitty apt, trying to avoid him, and actually trying to avoid that room all together. I’d get nervous driving by his house, and I’d see him riding his bike and want to throw rocks at him.

Thank god, revenge is sweet. But my point is, I keep seeing this other excruiating ex riding around on his bike, like every other day. And I have this strong urge to call him. But eff that. I have LEARNED MY LESSON and I am so glad I literally lost his number.